*sigh* I can't even begin to tell anyone how much of this shit I've drank in my lifetime. Seriously. I'm in tears.
If you're not familiar with Sparks, you might think that mixing an energy beverage and malt liquor in one can is a little bit like buying premade s'mores or those jars that come with the peanut butter and jelly already swirled together. (And if you haven't thought of mixing caffeine and alcohol in the first place, then you really are over 30.) But Sparks has a taste all its own—more like frothy Tang than beer and Red Bull combined.
Scientists have also argued that mixing a downer (alcohol) with an upper (caffeine) can send your heart rate on a rollercoaster ride (all while your mind rattles with the question "How drunk am I?"). And research conducted at Wake Forest University found that students who mixed both ingredients—as in, vodka and Red Bull—were more injury-prone than those who stuck to straight alcohol.
Despite this slander—as I'll call it—Sparks, and beverages like it, had been approved by the federal regulating authorities several times, overcoming criticism of the way they were formulated, labeled, marketed and sold. In the eyes of the government, this glorious nectar was good to go. But unfortunately, that didn't stop more than a dozen state attorney generals from initiating lawsuits this year. Nearly all of them mentioned that teachers didn't know that the students drinking Sparks in their class were not just drinking another energy drink.
In the end, authorities won out and MillerCoors chose to "reformulate" the beverage (removing the uppers) in an agreement reached on Thursday. In short, I'll lose my stimulant-filled Saturday evenings, and the corporation will pay $550,000 to the 13 states that challenged it, as well as the city of San Francisco.
For all my Seattle fam, stay tuned. We'll be throwing a party NOT to mourn the loss of our dear friend Sparks. This will be a party to CELEBRATE the LIFE of our good friend. If you're gonna miss sparks like I am. Make sure you take the $310 you were about to spend on some JO's on Eastbay tonite before the bullshit ass website crashed when you had the shit in your cart. and go to your nearest AMPM and COP that shit before Jan 10th. We're going to throw the party sometime before then. Stay tuned.
